Life

Everything Changes

by

Matthew T. Lipson

3.1 : Life

I wasn't for or against having children.  While other people's babies and children didn't excite me, I was neutral on the concept of having my own.  If having a child was important -- a necessity -- for the woman I partnered with, then having a child would become important to me.  What I didn't know was how, in a positive way, that decision would effect me.  My own naivete was important, and I feel is important to all potential parents.  If most of us knew the true consequences, we wouldn't do it.  I made the deal with my wife -- One yes, a second is negotiable.  You can't negotiate a child.  They are there or they are not.  You rise to the occasion or you don't.  I had no drive to be a parent.  I had no intrinsic love of children.  Babies ... I just didn't understand.  Then, my first arrived.  My reality changed in the most positive, drastic manner my life ever has.  I found a talent I didn't know I had.  More important, I found meaning. 

The End ... ?

Everything Changes

by

Matthew T. Lipson

1.6 The End ... ?

Standing at the dining room window looking out at the parking lot being drenched in rain.  All I wanted to do was leave.  Being there in the now all but empty condo was a harsh reminder of the expectations of married life.  My two children had been born there.  Family life, seeing my kids daily, I now stood on the outside of that reality.  It was over.  I didn't want to walk out the door.  I needed to.  For the first time I truly knew.  As I stood there, taking in the detail of the wet surface of the street, the light of the single lamp, and the reflections of what was behind me in the window.  She was a ghost, still my wife.  When she reached out to me -- to comfort me or her, I don't know.  Instinctively I stepped out of reach.  I was done.

The Decision

Everything Changes

by

Matthew T. Lipson

1.3 The Decision

The week had been ... awful.  Monday was her fortieth birthday, and the night of our worst argument.  The details, which are forever imprinted in my brain, are unimportant except the fact our eldest, who was seven, was in the room.  I exploded, as I had finally come to the end of my rope.  This scared my wife, and, once I came to my senses, me too.  We had come to an important crossroads, which could lead us either to heal our marriage or divorce.  The Multiple Sclerosis could no longer be a consideration, or even financial repercussions.  What was our relationship doing to our children?  to me?  By the end of the week, my anxiety attacks, depression, irrational anger had to be addressed.  I had to leave.  Friday, on my way home, I arranged to stay at a friend's house.   When she asked me when I was coming back, I answered, "I'm not."